Night babbles 2

Today, there was the dean's list presentation. I didn't go because I was lazy to sit through the entire thing since the entire thing would only end around 5-ish. I wanted to go home, try and study for NM, and laze around in bed. Which I did in the end anyway. But thinking about all that now, I feel like all those were excuses to hide my subconscious mind, if I even make any sense. Correct me if i'm wrong. 

I wasn't tired at all. I didn't even sleep the entire ride home despite my mere 3 hour sleep the night before. I wasn't lazy - ok fine, maybe that, yes. But i didn't want to study at all, i just wanted to laze around and watch my dramas. My point is, I didn't want to go not because of all those reasons i've stated beforehand. 

I didn't want to go because I didn't want to be reminded of all that I am.. Not. 

I remember the first few weeks of school, the second week I believe. I was walking with a bunch of friends along the H block corridors on the 3rd floor, where they displayed that list of names on the dean's list. I vividly remember myself telling them that i want to get on that list, that I wanted my name there. I wanted to go up and get my certificate. I wanted to finally do well, I wanted to do my parents proud. Everything seemed to be going pretty well, until my results came back for semester 1 and it seemed as though all hope was lost - is lost. To be very frank, even right now, even as I study my ass off for every percentage that contributes to my overall GPA, i fear so so so badly that i may not be able to do my conversion eventually. I always tell myself that my increase is coming, that I am improving, that it's only going to get better, that things may seem bleak right now but my God has planned my future. And it shall be bright and prosperous. But hey, no one promised a life without troubles. I guess i'm just thankful for One who will walk my troubles with me, for me. I think i really need to get a few things drilled into my head.

1) I do not need the validation of anyone else but my God Himself.

2) My grades do not define who I am as a person.

3) When I am faithless, He is faithful.

4) God uses the inexperienced. 

5) His plans are good, and His timing is perfect. 

ok i probably sound very messy and incoherent once again, but i can't be bothered to proof read it cause it's a babble for a reason. Good night.